I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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