I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
