Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So here I am, sexting at work.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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