i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
