Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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