If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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