Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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