Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Duck Duck Cougar?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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