HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
