You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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