this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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