My room smells like vodka and shame
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
