Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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