Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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