perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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