someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
