i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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