I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
