I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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