He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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