She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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