The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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