I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
