this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
