Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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