The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
