highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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