Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
