I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
