Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
