Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
