I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
