you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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