Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
being pregnant is like rehab
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
