ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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