I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
