I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
