But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
