Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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