I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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