you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
