12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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