I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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