I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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