Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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