why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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