i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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