I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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