I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Damn victory sex feels great
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
