I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
