one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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