i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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