I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
