i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
