My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize