is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
