im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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