Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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