Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
