Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
