sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
