I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
