Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
