Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Did I show you my penis last night?
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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