her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dating After Heartbreak
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.