I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out