You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
