Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
