and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
