I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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